The PAIN GAP otherwise known as the EQUATION OF EMOTION is a simple way of explaining why we experience certain negative emotions. Although it might seem very simplistic, it has proven almost impossible to dispute. The components that make up the equation of emotion are
- Expectations/Preferences
- Perception of Reality
- Attachments
The mechanics of how our emotions work is universal. They work in us all the same way. However the complexity comes from the differing attachments each of us connects with. I will have attachments to people, possessions, ideas, affiliations, religion, culture, political ideals which will be unique to me. You will inevitably have different attachments which have been drawn into your sense of self. Anything that you describe with a “my”, “mine”, “our”, is an indication of it being a psychological attachment. “My house, my car, my sports team, that phone is mine.”
You will have differing strengths of attachments to each of your attachments. For example, your attachment to your kids is likely to be stronger than your attachment to your car, or your house. You will have what is best described as an attachment map with some attachments closer to the center (more important) than others. Other things won’t even appear on your attachment map at all. These include things you have no consideration for and things you don’t like. However you could be attached to the idea of not liking certain things, for instance you might not like Man City fans, because you are a Man United fan. Your attachment as a United supporter, means your dislike of City fans is part of your sense of identity which is actually something that is on your attachment map.
When these attachments are devalued, or put under threat, you will react negatively, as if you were being attacked/ threatened/ devalued personally.
Happiness comes from your perception of reality meeting or exceeding your expectations and preferences. It is a conditional emotional response. Likewise you will experience a negative emotion if your expectations and preferences are not met.
Which emotion is triggered and its intensity depends on a number of factors, these being..
- The strength of ATTACHMENT
- The SEVERITY of devaluation (or threat of devaluation)
- Has the devaluation been INTEGRATED/ACCEPTED. The immediacy of the threat (has it already happened, is it imminent or sometime in the distant future)
- The SOURCE of the threat being either on attachment map or off attachment map
Examples
Scenario #1: Your favourite football team is losing one zero against your arch rivals, with only a few minutes left on the clock.
- ATTACHMENT: favourite football team
- PERCEPTION OF REALITY: favourite team is about to lose the cup final
- EXPECTATION/PREFERENCE: favourite team will win
Because your perception of reality is not meeting your expectations, you will feel a negative emotion. Which emotion depends on the following…
- SEVERITY OF DEVALUATION: lose the cup, nothing worse (for a fanatical supporter this is serious, for a casual supporter not so much
- INTEGRATION OF DEVALUATION: imminent risk, but still a chance to save the day
- SOURCE OF DEVALUATION: arch rival who is very much off your attachment map
- EMOTIONAL REACTION: you feel nervous, anxious, and worried, but still hopeful that your team can save the day
Lets look at this scenario just after the final whistle of the match as been blown…
- ATTACHMENT: favourite football team
- PERCEPTION OF REALITY: favourite team loses the cup final
- EXPECTATION/PREFERENCE: favourite team will win
Because your perception of reality is not meeting your expectations, you will feel a negative emotion. Which emotion depends on the following…
- SEVERITY OF DEVALUATION: have actually lost the cup, nothing worse (for a fanatical supporter this is serious, for a casual supporter not so much
- INTEGRATION OF DEVALUATION: has just happened
- SOURCE OF DEVALUATION: arch rival who is off your attachment map
- EMOTIONAL REACTION: you feel anger towards your rivals because they have beaten your attachment. Also you may feel Sadness because your team has let you down. This is a separate Equation of emotion with your team playing the offending role and the attachment being your desire to win the cup.
This demonstrates that more than one emotion can result from the same event via differing Equations of emotion.
Scenario #2: Your driving along and another car pushes in front of you
- ATTACHMENT: to the idea that other people respect you and maybe respect one another
- PERCEPTION OF REALITY: someone has just disrespected you, pushing in front of you and implying they are more important than you (this is a story you tell yourself) this is a devaluation of your sense of self
- EXPECTATION/PREFERENCE: people are courteous and respectful to you.
Because your perception of reality is not meeting your expectations, you will feel a negative emotion. Which emotion depends on the following…
- SEVERITY OF DEVALUATION: it’s not exactly a life or death situation, but it is an annoyance
- INTEGRATION OF DEVALUATION: it has just happened so is integrated and is still very fresh
- SOURCE OF DEVALUATION: a stranger, who you previously had no opinion or knowledge of, but would be considered as not being an attachment or on your attachment map
- EMOTIONAL REACTION: either a minor annoyance or anger if you have a strong attachment to courtesy.
Scenario #3: Your wife criticizes you for some reason
- ATTACHMENT: to the idea that your wife thinks you are great
- PERCEPTION OF REALITY: wife criticizes you and thinks less of you (devaluing your sense of self)
- EXPECTATION/PREFERENCE: wife thinks you are great and wonderful
Because your perception of reality is not meeting your expectations, you will feel a negative emotion. Which emotion depends on the following…
- SEVERITY OF DEVALUATION: it could be severe if you have a strong need for your wife to think well of you
- INTEGRATION OF DEVALUATION: it has just happened so is integrated and is still very fresh
- SOURCE OF DEVALUATION: someone very much on your attachment map
- EMOTIONAL REACTION: sadness. At the same time however, you could feel angry because you wife who is a strong attachment, could simultaneously be considered less of an attachment as your will be to seen in a good light by others. So you may have a mix of anger and sadness, depending on the makeup you your particular attachment map.
How to hack the Equation of Emotion
So the question is, how do we short-circuit the equation of emotion (EOE), so that we don’t feel negative emotions.
Well, if we can remove any of the elements of the equation of emotion (EOE), it won’t work.
If you remove your EXPECTATIONS or PREFERENCES, the EOE won’t work, meaning you won’t feel the subsequent negative emotions. I’m a firm believer that being more GRATEFUL is one of the most powerful tools for changing mood and state. Replace EXPECTATION with APPRECIATION, along with ACCEPT instead of EXPECT.
The other side of the EOE is PERCEPTIONS OF REALITY. Perception is a funny thing, we believe our perceptions are based on truth, but perceptions, which originate from our beliefs and values, are very fragmented and perspective driven. People perceive the same event in different ways depending on the story they habitually tell themselves.
Learning to stop jumping to conclusions and making opinion based judgments will help you be less opinionated and more open to other approaches and ways of seeing things. As soon as you believe you know THE TRUTH, you stop being open to contradictory evidence, opting to ignore or filter it out of your consciousness.
The third option you have for breaking the EOE is by stopping your need to attach to things or the idea of things. We attach to things because we think the more we have or are attached to, the more we will be. It comes from our deep fear of BEING NOTHING.
So now you know a little more about the PAIN GAP, otherwise known as the EQUATION OF EMOTION, you hopefully will have more awareness of where those negative emotions come from and why.
If you haven’t already done so, check out our wellbeing and spirituality guide for more.