Tag: self awareness

Eckhart Tolle describes, in his book A New Earth: Create a Better Life, how much of Mankind is currently under the control of the Ego and this is the cause of much social unrest and conflict around the world.

The Ego is thought you identify with, and to a large extent, is concerned with self-preservation, and in order to carry out that function is fearful by nature. It is preoccupied with the fear of pain and destruction.

Being rather imaginative, it comes up with all sorts of mind constructed scenarios resulting in its demise. It tries to build itself up so that it is more on the one hand, while resisting change and uncertainty on the other, instead opting for routine,  consistency and predictability..

The Ego believes that by having more (possessions, ideas, psychological positioning) it will be more, and the more it is, the less chance of being nothing. While at the same time, fearing the more it has, the more it has to lose.

There is no scenario, that can end well, from a mindset of fear. Fear makes us inward looking, exclusive and more selfish because we believe the lie of scarcity, if there is not enough to go round we better grab our share, while we can.

Fear creates division, which in turn breaks communication, which in turn creates misunderstanding. For us to be more there needs to be an “other” that has less. We can’t be better or stronger if there isn’t an “other” to be less or weaker. There is no greater “other” than an “enemy”.

We all hold opinions based on social, political and cultural upbringing. Our parent’s, family, friends, colleagues, and mainstream media tell us their opinions and we make them our own, without really taking a long hard look at the logic and spirit behind them. These opinions become our beliefs and values, and over time, set into rigid thought patterns. We base all our decision making on these beliefs and values, they shape all aspects of our lives. Some of them serve us, but many hold us back from pursuing the kind of lives we would like to live, because they are consumed by fear.

Our Ego, in its attempt for growth, has us believing “we” are right and “they” are wrong. Our stance of superiority has us believing our perspective is the only valid one, so we fail to listen and be empathetic to other’s counter views, which are equally valid from their perspective.  We can’t all be right but we could all be wrong.

Those with superior education might consider their views more informed, but if the source of that knowledge, turns out to be biased, than they might just be more brainwashed and less open to opposing narratives and views.

The media is largely responsible for fueling our fears, but they only supply what interests us, so while under the influence of the Ego, we pay more attention to, and takes interest in, fearful stories and bad news, so that we might avoid such situations ourselves in the future.

What is the solution for escaping such a destructive situation? Return your self-preservation instruct to servant and end its role as master. Open your heart and mind to opposing perspectives. Embrace an empathetic mindset and allow yourself to learn from others. Without the Ego in charge, there is only love and inclusion, and from that comes peace and prosperity for all.

If your interested in spirituality, check out our spiritual and wellbeing guide.

Many people provide a true projection of who they are. They are true to themselves, and are easy to read.  What you see is what you get.

However some people can initially appear to have certain characteristics or attributes, but when we get to know them better, you find they are not really “like that”.

I consider myself a good judge of character, but occasionally I have had an instant dislike for someone, only to grow fond of them over time. Why have I misjudged them?

I have also had a view of myself, that has differed from the view others have had of me. How can this be?

How do we misread how others think of us? How can we think we are coming across one way, when indeed we are coming across completely differently from the perspective of others?

One example that jumps to mind from recent experience, is the boy racers that rev their engines, screech off from lights, wheel spinning as they go, only to be sat waiting at the next set of lights, when you catch them up. They deeply believe they are projecting coolness, male prowess and demonstrating what a catch they are for the opposite sex. When indeed they look immature, and quite ridiculous.

It can be a real problem, if we see ourselves one way and everyone else see us another, particularly if the two views greatly contrast. If we think of ourselves as warm , friendly , approachable, and likeable and others see us cold, abrupt, unapproachable and not very likeable there is a real disconnect that can be very problematic for our business and personal lives.

Now there is an element of showing your best side, when you first meet strangers, and showing your true colours later, when you get to know people better. But we’re not talking about this, we’re talking about the discrepancy of what you think you are projecting, compared to how others perceive you.

So why can there be such a disconnect for some people? Stephen R. Covey explained “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions.”

This is where the discrepancy lies, we judge ourselves differently to how we judge others, and  how we judge others is closer to how others actually judge us.

When perceiving yourself you have lots of background information. You understand your intention, what you’re trying to achieve by your actions. You are more likely to blame situational factors if things don’t work out as planned. You are also privy to your mental and emotional state at the time, and their influence on your behaviour.

When you perceive others, particularly in relation to people you don’t know very well, you’re likely to consider their behaviour as much more representative of the persons underlying character, and a truer reflection of WHO THEY ARE, without much consideration for situational influences.

Likewise, this is inevitably how they will perceive you. They are likely to interpret your actions as an indication of your personality.  This difference in how we perceive ourselves versus how others perceive us, is referred to as the Fundamental Attribution Error or attribution effect.

It describes the tendency to overestimate the effect of personality and underestimate the effect of the situation in explaining other people’s actions.  For example, if you are in a rush, and cut someone off in traffic because you have to get to the hospital to care for a loved one, you will interpret cutting the person off as totally justifiable. You are not a jerk, in fact, you are trying to help someone. The person you cut off, however, will have no idea you are going to the hospital, and will likely think you are a jerk.

How we see ourselves is intrinsically connected to our self-image, which is developed through our life experiences.  A poor self-image can deeply affect our relationships and interactions in the world, which in turn, are perceived, by others, as being who we are, without the deeper understanding of why we may act this way.

A theory coined by Charles Horton Cooley provides us with insight as to how we see ourselves. The concept is called, “The Looking-Glass Self.”  As each individual interacts with others in society, a relationship develops. It may last only a few seconds, yet our perception of how others view us, shapes our image of ourselves. It is like looking to a reflective glass for a glimpse of what it is like to be “us.”  Cooley’s theory suggests our perceptions of how others see us, inevitably shapes our image of ourselves.

So if you find there is a disconnect between your view of yourself, and that of everyone else around you, there is a need to improve your self-awareness.  Be wary that your attempts to be appear confident, aren’t being misinterpreted as arrogance. That trying to appear witty isn’t being seen as sarcastic, cutting or uncaring.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and try to be empathetic to their viewpoint.

Better still, don’t try to put on an act, and instead let your behaviour be a true representation of who you are, without the insecurities, and fears that might cause your behaviour to be undesirable. Embrace your inner being, and let your light shine through.

Check out my article about spirituality and wellbeing, that might give you some insight into letting your true self shine.

Gary Vaynerchuk recently did a video talking about the importance of figuring out who you are. Check it out below.

He’s right, without a solid grasp of knowing what you’re about, life can feel somewhat pointless. I don’t mean in the sense of what’s the point in living, but rather, knowing what you should be doing, and where you should be heading.

Those we look up to

We look up to people that have found their niche, who seem to be living the dream. They love what they do, and can’t get enough of it. Productivity is at an all time high, because they are consumed by their passion 247.

No clue

I am aware there are a lot of people, particularly those leaving school, who haven’t got a clue where their destiny lies, and frankly, how could they? Without gaining some practical experience, how can you know what you like and don’t like. You may romanticise certain professions, but until you’re doing it as an occupation, there’s no way of knowing if it’s for you.

Hobbies don’t always make good occupations

All occupations have their downside, and it’s often very different doing something for a living, to earn an income, than it is when you’re doing something as an hobby. There is a certain level of pressure, a certain degree of “have to” and deadlines to consider. This is often enough to take the fun out of it for many. So don’t fall into the trap of thinking every hobby will translate into a good occupation.

The hard bit

So back to Gary, he says “Punt everything else and go all-in. The best blue print for your success, is to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself “What’s the purest form of who I am?“, then build a thing around that.”

So that’s the easy part, recognising you have to start by figuring yourself out. The hard part is actually doing so.

Self awareness is a key step in the process of building a life you love to live. It’s not just knowing what you like and don’t like but figuring out what you’re good and not so good at. This part is difficult and requires some soul searching. None of us like to admit we’re not so good, or even bad at things, particularly if we like to do that thing. If we don’t care about it, there’s no problem, if we care about it, or have invested time and effort into it and are still not very good at it, then there’s a problem.

We’ve all seen the Xfactor contestants that can’t hold a note, but have fooled themselves into thinking they’re the next big thing.

How to improve Self Awareness

Take a long hard look at yourself, be completely honest, ask for a honest second opinion from someone who’ll tell you the truth. Family and friends are usually not good for this, they just don’t want to upset you.

Putting your work out into the market, and seeing if people are willing to buy your stuff is probably the best gauge of the standard and desirability of your talent or lack of. I use a few methods like PPC adverts or Facebook adverts, which are great for fast, inexpensive feedback, but you need to know what you’re doing before burning through your money, if you go down this route.  Drop me an email if you want some help with this at info@getresults.org.uk.

Now be warned you have to ensure you have not invested too much of yourself in whatever you are shining a light on, otherwise a knock back can be hard on your self esteem. Don’t let it be, take it as a positive, it’s informing you, it’s being honest with you and allowing you to find a more fruitful path, and preventing you from wasting our most important resource TIME.

To uncover your own interests, tendencies…

• Look at what you spend your time actually doing,
• What you like to read about,
• What websites you visit and are interested in,
• What TV programs you spend your time watching,
• What you find yourself doing when on holiday or during leisure periods
• Ask others that are close to you, what they think you like and don’t like, this can be very enlightening sometimes

And then ask “why?”. What is it about these things/activities that you enjoy, is there a common thread that runs through them. Sometimes identifying what you don’t like or even hate, helps to focus you on what you do like, so build a list of these as well.

It’s a journey of self discovery. Don’t try to fool yourself, be honest. For those that have a negative perspective of themselves already, which are usually as disproportionate as those that have overly positive perspectives, also look for a reality check, as others will not judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. So allow more positivity through if merited.

That’s it, you’ve got to do the rest for yourself. Use those around as well, in the ways discussed above. Enjoy the process, and don’t be too frustrated if it takes a little time. I often find once you have made your mind up to make a start, your unconscious mind springs into action and will gently help inform you, but you can’t push it to do so.