Are you a nurse or carer emotionally overwhelmed with the current situation? Or are you someone forced to stay at home and watching from the sidelines, struggling to deal with the pain, suffering and loss of others?
Just a slight digression for a moment, I’d like you to think about the following scenario…..
If you saw a person (male or female) keep head butting a wall then complaining they have a massive headache, what would you say to them? What advice would you give them? Please consider this before reading on.
Back to your suffering and feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed, about the current situation. You’re getting upset that people are struggling and even dying, not just because those things are happening, but largely because you believe that others shouldn’t have to suffer. But this is not possible, death and illness are part of life, this is the way it has always been and will always be. None of us will escape the clutches of death, and will inevitably be ill at some point of our lives.
Holding onto the belief “people should not suffer”, creates an expectation/preference that can never be fulfilled, and will only bring suffering to the person that holds onto that way of thinking. It is metaphorically like banging your head against a wall. Instead shift your mindset. If dealing with sick patients, be grateful you can ease their suffering to some degree or help their passing be more tolerable. Grateful you are well enough to do be able to care for them in some way. If you were not there for them, their situation would be so much worse.
One final point I need to make, the difference between you and the person head butting the wall is that your suffering comes out of caring about others, not just as a result of some mindless act of self-harm. The fact you care so much, is in itself, something to be immensely proud of. Caring people make for a better world to live and die in. So keep caring, but don’t suffer for your caring. Take joy from your priceless assistance, we love you for it, and so do those you look after.
Self imposed limitations are the stories we tell ourselves why we can’t do something, or can’t reach a certain level..
People won’t like me
I don’t know enough
I’m not an expert in the field
I’m no good at writing
I’m not good at running a website
I don’t have the money
I don’t have the time
I don’t have the resources
I’m not thick skinned enough to be able to deal with any criticism that might come my way
I don’t have the talent to earn £500k a year
These stories start with “I don’t”, “I can’t” , “I’m not”, so look out for them.
These are all reasons why you shouldn’t take action, so you don’t get hurt. They are designed to protect you from failure. They are coping excuses for not pursuing your goals and feeling okay about it. Coping excuses are one of the main reasons goals don’t get chased down.
Tell yourself more empowering stories. Stop trying to protect yourself from everyone else, start protecting yourself from yourself. Get out of your own way, because deep down you are your own worst enemy.
Failure isn’t something to fear, it is an opportunity to learn what doesn’t work, so you can get closer to what does work.
Failing often, means your pushing boundaries, you’re trying things out.
The worst thing is making all the same mistakes, over and over again.
Just make sure you’re listening to the market, to the feedback it gives you, even if it’s critical and be prepared to pivot when necessary.
A caveat here though, figure out what you are truly good at, ideally something you also like doing, and what you’re not so good at. It is a case of horses for courses, you can’t be great at everything, so be honest with yourself, enlist of people close to you, who will give you honest feedback, or let the market tell you. Improving your self awareness is a critical first step for success. You can then focus on your strengths and enlist the help of people who are better at the things you’re not so good at, or figure out a way forward that better suits your unique skills set.
Get Results: winners and losers predator of chance and victim of circumstance
There are WINNERS and LOSERS in every situation. Mentally position yourself to WIN. Be a PREDATOR of chance rather than a VICTIM of circumstance.
Victims blame and complain. When they pass the buck they also unwittingly pass the power to help themselves, to find a way, to make things happen. Instead take responsibility, don’t look outside yourself for answers, all you need to conquer is within you – It’s fear, fear of loss, failure, defeat, disappointment.
When you look differently at things, things look different. Change yourself and things change. To have more you have to be more.
These are not just sound bites, they are truths.
Using COPING STRATEGIES helps elevate internal dissonance but coping strategies are often used as coping excuses. Excuses to be able to accept failure, to be okay with not following through on plans towards goals. If you’re not moving goal bound ask yourself why not. Somethings getting in your way and it’s most likely to be you. Figure yourself out by improving self awareness; ask yourself why you do what you do and don’t so what you don’t do. Figure out your strengths and weaknesses so that you can chart an effective plan of attack.
These are just a few of the key elements to enable you to get results. Sign up for our newsletter and check out the underlying framework we use to get results and find success.
If you’re guilty of saying the following statements, you need to sign up to my email list
I’m not getting quality leads anymore from [X]
[X] is not delivering[ Y], and that’s why my business is failing
People just aren’t buying anymore
People don’t want to pay for [Y] anymore
Everyone wants something for nothing these days
Too much competition, charging ridiculous prices, I can’t compete, they
won’t be around long, but long enough to hurt my business
There’s downwards pressure on prices
It’s a dying industry, technology is disrupting my business model
It’s much harder to make money in this industry now
All of these statements are excuses; they are examples of you complaining and blaming other people, organisations, circumstances, situations, and/or events for your predicament. They are COPING STRATEGIES designed to deflect responsibility from yourself onto others. This may seem like a good strategy, after all, if someone else is at fault for the position you find yourself in, then you don’t have to deal with the feeling of guilt for messing things up.
But in fact by blaming others, by complaining about how life has conspired against you, you are not just passing on blame, you are also passing power, the very power you need to get yourself out of the mess you find yourself in.
Until you TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your situation, you will not be able to access your RESOURCEFULNESS. You need to have the right mindset to be able to make a sustained effort to make things right, and resourcefulness is required to find the innovative approach you’re going to need to succeed.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for yours and other people’s actions and the consequences of those actions on you and your business. You might think it’s harsh to have to take responsibility for what other people do, but at the end of the day, it’s you and your business that will have to pick up the pieces if things head south. So make sure you vet those that you invite into your life/business, either as friends, partners, investors, employees, suppliers or customers. Don’t rely blindly on others’, do your due diligence and have the necessary checks, controls and plan B contingencies in place to make sure you are living up to your responsibilities, for youself,
Open up your mind to the possibilities, enabling you to access your RESOURCEFULNESS to find that innovative approach which is going to turn your fortunes around and allow you to achieve success.
I believe SELF AWARENESS to be probably, the most important part of improving the quality of life and achieving success in personal and business life.
As part of my attempt to improve self awareness, I found it important to explore my emotions, feelings and reactions to events, circumstances, situations, and attachments in all aspects of life.
Emotional compass
I’ve learned that how you feel about something lets you know whether you’re on the right track or not. Decoding the meaning of that feeling is very important if you’re to learn anything from it.
If you’re feeling good about something, then you’re likely to be on the right track, at least, from your current perspective. If you’re feeling bad about something, you may need to take a closer look. Think of your emotions and feelings as a compass, indicating which way to go.
Coping strategies
However one thing that can cause a great deal of confusion is the adoption of COPING STRATEGIES (otherwise known as psychological coping mechanisms/tactics/skills), which are often employed to cover up some negative situation or issue and allow you to put-up with them.
Coping strategies can be positive or negative in nature. Drinking and taking drugs to excess is often a sign you’re using them to cover up pain, or trying to temporarily forget about the pain. Overeating, complaining, blaming, gossiping, procrastination, gambling, self-sabotaging are all examples of negative coping strategies. They are designed to temporarily cover up the underlying issue, but seldom work to resolve the issue, and to make matters worse they often add more pain into the mix.
I believe it’s important to look underneath the coping strategy and find the underlying issue, and deal productively with it. The field of Spirituality agrees, saying we should “surrender to what is”, to “go fully into the feeling” and “accept it”, and “let go” of any negative influences, working positively to move beyond it. Many psychotherapies are designed to confront the root cause of pain and again move healthily beyond it.
It’s best to resolve the issue in most cases. Seeking professional help might be needed for more complex, severe issues and trauma. Some issues can be resolved yourself, if you take positive steps or employ positive coping strategies to deal with them.
Knowing the cause
Discovering and examining the underlying issue is the first step. Repressed pain and memories often still influence us at a subconscious level. Uncovering and taking a fresh perspective can help. Some issues start early in life and are left unexamined into adulthood. Often looking at them as an adult helps shift perspective, and what was a big issue as a child is not so much as an adult. We can be particularly hard on ourselves in relation to say ,embarrassing situations, and feel traumatised by them at the time, but looking with fresh eyes, as a mature adult, maybe as a parent, we realise that we may have been viewed less critically or harshly by others, then we thought at the time, at least by those with some level of decency and maturity. If you saw a child mess up, in say, a school play and subsequently became upset, would you look on that child as a complete loser, or would your heart go out to them, and want to tell them it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it? Only those in pain themselves would negatively view the child.
Taking Responsibility
Get results: take responsibility
Blaming and complaining is often an attempt to pass on responsibility. It’s a coping strategy, but when you pass blame or you complain you also pass on power. You pass on the power you need to do something about it yourself. You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do, and how you react to things, situations, events and people.
Being Empathetic
Get Results: Empathy
If you are angry with someone from your past, because they messed up, or let you down. Maybe looking at the situation differently might help, consider the other persons INTENT rather than their EXECUTION. Were they acting with the right intention, but just messed up their execution? Were they acting from a position of fear, and trying protect themselves in some way? What were they going through at the time, that could have impacted on their execution?
Often holding onto resentment, hatred and anger is far more damaging and destructive to ourselves than the other person they are directed towards. Let them go.
Below is a list of coping strategies, check them out and see which ones you use, figure out what the underlying issue is and deal with it or seek professional help to do so.
Coping strategies
Adaptive Mechanisms: That offer positive help.
Adaptation: The human ability to adapt.
Compartmentalisation: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments.
Compensation: Over-doing one thing to compensate for another weakness.
Crying: Tears of release and seeking comfort.
Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
Idealisation: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.
Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics.
Intellectualisation: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic.
Performing Rituals: Getting time to think.
Post-traumatic growth: Using the energy of trauma for good.
Sublimation: Channel psychic energy into acceptable activities.
Substitution: Replacing bad things with good things.
Undoing: actions that psychologically ‘undo’ wrongdoings for the wrongdoer.
Attack Mechanisms: That push discomfort onto others.
Acting Out: not coping – giving in to the pressure to misbehave.
Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
Fight-or-Flight Reaction: Reacting by attacking.
Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance.
Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people.
Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position.
Trivialising: Making small what is really something big.
Avoidance Mechanisms: That avoid the issue.
Acting Out: not coping – giving in to the pressure to misbehave.
Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress.
Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred.
Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
Distancing: Moving away.
Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility.
Idealisation: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.
Intellectualisation: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic.
Passive Aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance.
Performing Rituals: Patterns that delay.
Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people.
Rationalisation: creating logical reasons for bad behavior.
Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position.
Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems.
Somatisation: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms.
Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges.
Symbolisation: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols.
Trivialising: Making small what is really something big.
Conversion Mechanisms: That change one thing into another.
Aim Inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable.
Altruism: Helping others to help self.
Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms.
Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
Idealisation: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.
Post-Traumatic Growth: Using the energy of trauma for good.
Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position.
Somatisation: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms.
Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities.
Substitution: Replacing one thing with another.
Symbolisation: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols.
Trivialising: Making small what is really something big.
Defense Mechanisms: Freud’s original set.
Denial: claiming/believing that what is true to be actually false.
Displacement: redirecting emotions to a substitute target.
Intellectualisation: taking an objective viewpoint.
Projection: attributing uncomfortable feelings to others.
Rationalisation: creating false but credible justifications.
Reaction Formation: overacting in the opposite way to the fear.
Regression: going back to acting as a child.
Repression: pushing uncomfortable thoughts into the subconscious.
Sublimation: redirecting ‘wrong’ urges into socially acceptable actions.
Self-harm Mechanisms: That hurt our selves.
Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms.
Somatisation: psychological
problems turned into physical symptoms.
Self-harming: Conscious physical self-harm.
(list sourced from: changingminds.org)
Get Results: coping strategies
Some ways these manifest themselves into our daily lives, separated into positive and negative grouping can be seen below.
Positive coping strategies (constructive)
Diversions
Artistic – Writing, drawing, painting, photography, playing an instrument, singing, dancing, acting, gardening
Taking a shower or a bath
Taking a walk, or go for a drive
Watching television or a movie
Spending time on social media
Play a game
Going shopping
Cleaning or organise your environment
Reading
Taking a break or vacation
Social/Interpersonal (with others)
Talking to someone you like and trust
Setting boundaries and saying “no”
Writing a note to someone you care about
Being assertive
Using humour
Spending time with friends and/or family
Serving/helping/encouraging someone in need
Caring for or play with a pet
Role-playing challenging situations with others
Cognitive (Of the Mind)
Making a gratitude list
Brainstorming solutions
Lowering your expectations and preferences of the situation
Checking out inspirational quotes
Being flexible and open minded
Writing a list of goals and things you want to achieve
Taking a class, learning a skill
Acting opposite of negative feelings
Writing a list of pros and cons for decision making
Rewarding or pampering yourself when successful
Writing a list of strengths and skills
Accepting a challenge with a positive attitude
Tension Releasers
Exercising or playing sports
Catharsis (yelling in the bathroom, punching a punching bag)
Crying
Laughing
Physical
Getting plenty of sleep
Eating nutricious and healthy foods
Getting into a good routine
Not over indulging in sweet/fatty foods
Limiting caffeine intake
Deep/slow breathing
Spiritual
Meditation and/or praying
Enjoying nature
Getting involved in a worthy cause
Limit Setting
Dropping some involvement
Prioritising important tasks
Using assertive communication
Making time for yourself
Using negative coping strategies
Using Diversions
Procrastinating
Abusing drugs or alcohol
Wasting time on unimportant tasks
Creating a lower level drama to cover up higher level pain (the less of two evils)
Negative coping strategies (maladaptive)
Diversion
Procrastinating
Abusing drugs or alchol
Wasting time on unimportant tasks
Creating lower level drama to cover up higher level pain. (less of two evils)
Social/Interpersonal
Blaming
Isolating/withdrawing
Mean or hostile joking
Gossiping
Criticizing others
Manipulating others
Refusing help from others
Lying to others
Sabotaging plans and goals
Being late to appointments and letting others down
Provoking violence from others
Enabling others to take advantage of you
Accepting embarrassing situation to hide a perceived more embarrassing situation (not undressing to hide fat)
Cognitive (of the Mind)
Denying any problem
Stubbornness/inflexibility
All or nothing/black or white thinking
Catastrophising
Overgeneralising
Tension Releasers
Tantrums throwing
Throwing things at people
Hitting and lashing out at people
Yelling at others
Destroying property
Speeding or driving recklessly
Physical
Suicide
Self harming
Developing illnesses
Intrapersonal
Making fun of yourself
Self-sabotaging behaviors
Blaming yourself
Indulging
Spending too much
Gambling
Eating too much
Setting dangerous fires
Continually crying
Conclusion
We all use coping strategies to deal with anxiety and pain, in some form or another. They help us deal with negative feelings and emotions so that we can function without feeling great sadness, anger, and pain, all the time. There are good ways to deal with pain as well as bad.
The extent to which drugs and drink are indulged and abused in modern life, suggests that there are a lot of people experiencing negative emotions to varying degrees, and are dealing with that pain in a very destructive and damaging manner.
Mental health problems are on the increase, particularly with the uncertainty and fast changing society we now live in. A job for life is no more, and this cause great uncertainty and anxiety. Strong family units and ties are increasing hard to rely on and with them. the important support networks they once provided.
People feel increasing isolated and vulnerable and so look for ways to escape the perceived madness, injustice and isolation. Coping strategies are used, by many, to deal with this pain, in the best way people feel they can.
It’s so important to deal with such issues at the root, and employ positive coping strategies for issues that can’t be easily resolved. Remember you can’t control how others think or behave, but you can control how you respond, react, behave and think about the situation/issue/event. Awareness is often the first BIG step in the right direction.
I hope this article helps increase your awareness and self awareness so that you can move towards a healthier state of well being.
If you would like to read more articles focused on COPING STRATEGIES, click here.
“Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.”- Virginia Satir
“If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”– Jim Rohn
“Culture is a way of coping with the world by defining it in detail.” – Malcolm Bradbury
“Give me rampant intellectualism as a coping mechanism.”- Chuck Palahniuk
“Routine is part of coping.”- Lorene Scafaria
“Leaving things behind and starting again is a way of coping with difficulties. I learnt very early in my life that I was able to leave a place and still remain myself.”- Rachel Cusk
“Think first of the action that is right to take, think later about coping with one’s fears”.- Barbara Deming
“Scientists have demonstrated that dramatic, positive changes can occur in our lives as a direct result of facing an extreme challenge – whether it’s coping with a serious illness, daring to quit smoking, or dealing with depression. Researchers call this ‘post-traumatic growth.” – Jane McGonigal
“What is forgiveness? An emotion? A coping mechanism? An element of deepest faith? A way for the heart and soul to combat the type of hate, anger, rage and a thirst for revenge that could ultimately consume a person? All of those and more?” – Mike Barnicle
“One day I looked at something in myself that I had been avoiding because it was too painful. Yet once I did, I had an unexpected surprise. Rather than self-hatred, I was flooded with compassion for myself because I realized the pain necessary to develop that coping mechanism to begin with.”- Marianne Williamson
“If you aren’t in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” -T.S. Eliot
“If you are faced with a mountain, you have several options. You can climb it and cross to the other side. You can go around it. You can dig under it. You can fly over it. You can blow it up. You can ignore it and pretend it’s not there. You can turn around and go back the way you came. Or you can stay on the mountain and make it your home.” ― Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration
“It is what it is. Isn’t that how these things always go? They are what they are. We just get to cope.” ― Mira Grant, Feed
