I recently stumbled on the article below, by Erick Diaz, about using a shift of perspective to improve motivation and subsequently productivity.
Eric imagines being his 80 year old self observing his present day self and what he might think about how he is making use of his time today, from the perspective of someone with less TIME available to him.
This highlights how precious time is, but is only truly treasured when we have less of it available to us, when it is too late. Time is precious, we should make the most of it while we have it, because it’s a finite resource, that once used up, can’t be recouped.
I think it’s a great strategy for SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE, which is one of the building blocks for increasing motivation, you can check out the full article below. by following the link.
Having just binge watched the whole series of “13 Reasons Why” on Netflix, I got to thinking about the subject of suicide and wondered how this fitted in with my spirituality education.
It’s a very difficult subject to talk about, and my hat goes off to the makers of the series for bringing the topic into the open. If you haven’t heard about it, 13 Reasons Why, is the story of a teenager called Hannah who takes her own life, but before doing so, makes a series of audio recordings on cassette tape explaining the 13 reasons why she did it. Each of the people identified in the recordings are given a copy of the tapes, passing them on to the next person, when they have finished. The story follows one particular character, Clay, as he works his way through each of the cassette tapes, revisiting each of the situations, an observer, as the story unfolds. It really is a riveting watch.
Now personally, I’ve never been in a situation, where I seriously thought about ending my own life, either as a teenager or adult. However many of the situations Hannah finds herself in are common experiences for many teenagers and adults, me included, such as bullying, disloyalty and betrayal by friends, rejection, mockery etc. However there are much more intense experiences that Hannah has to deal with, which I won’t go into, so not to spoil the series for you.
Suicide seems such an extreme and unfathomable action to take, and I do not wish to begin to lecture to anyone so hurt, that contemplating suicide seems like a viable option.
We can never truly understand what is going on in another persons mind. Even if we walked in their shoes, we might react differently. There is no right or wrong here. We are all different, and that’s a good thing.
Being unique in the way we look, think, talk, act, and dress makes the world such an interesting place. We should embrace our differences, while understanding that we have many things in common, even through such differences.
Commonalities
We all want to love and be loved, feel connected to others, because we are social creatures.
We all want to feel a sense of progress, of more, of better. We look to those ahead of us with some degree of envy. We base our standing and self worth, by comparing ourselves with others. We tend to focus more on those we perceive as ahead of us, and less so on those we perceive as behind us.
We form attachments to people, relationships, thoughts, status, attributes, affiliations, mental positions, possessions and just about anything that make us feel better, or more than we would otherwise feel we were. We can also attach to pain and negative things and feelings, if they somehow perversely add something to us in some way. Being a victim can become part of our sense of identity in the absence of something more positive. Becoming addicted to drugs for instance is thought to be partly down to a lack of healthy human bonding, so bonding with drugs is better than nothing.
The underlying INTENTION is to try to move away from pain and suffering and towards pleasure. We are all trying to do this, we are all the same as far as this is concerned. Bullies often bully because they are covering up pain in themselves. I’m not making excuses for bullying mind you, but a healthy, happy personality doesn’t try to hurt others. Lashing out comes from inner pain.
Suicide, in the same way is an attempt to escape pain. It is perceived by that person, as the best option to take, because maybe they feel so low, life offers nothing for them, or they feel under such attack by bullies, or have had their sense of themselves devalued to such an extent that there is no other way from their point of view.
Let me just say at this point, if you ever feel such pain, please ask for help, there are help lines available if you don’t feel you can approach anyone you know. Check out this website for further help www.supportline.org.uk. This is a section from their website
Suicide is very final – if you succeed in taking your life – there are no second chances and nobody really knows what will happen when they die. It may be difficult to take in at this moment in time but the feelings you have at the moment may be temporary – you may not always feel like this. There are people who have been in the exactly the same position as you and have somehow found the strength to come out of it and have gone on to find happiness and fulfilment in life and to be able to cope with life more easily – they have found alternatives to suicide and were glad that they did not take their own life. – supportline.org.uk
We are a mixed bag
While watching 13 Reasons Why, I noticed there were people in Hannah’s life who had great love and affection for her, but she was so consumed with the bad that the good didn’t seem to register with her. She had a distorted view of herself based on some of the meanness of others around her who were themselves in pain to some degree and for a variety of reasons. She wasn’t always a victim, sometimes she was a perpetrator, ignorant to how her actions affected others.
The underlying feeling that I came away with after watching the series, was a sense of sadness at such a waste of a life. Hannah was a beautiful pure spirit, and you wonder how she could have thought of herself any differently. We are all pure spirits underneath our pain, fears, even hatred.
We get caught up in our thoughts, thoughts about ourselves, of what others might think of us, how others have wronged us. We kick the cat, because someone kicked us, in an attempt to redress the balance, adding value to a sense of devaluation. We do these things, not because we are evil, but because of our own fear of pain.
Sometimes a simple gesture, an acknowledgement, time taken to care can make a disproportionate difference to someone else, and if we all did this, we would have less pain to fear.
If only …
If only we could prevent our self-worth being entangled with how we think others perceive and judge us.
If only we could go through life not consumed so much with fear of pain and suffering, and instead give attention to the moments of love and kindness we share.
If only we could love ourselves more, accept our imperfections as being what makes us uniquely us and give us a unique perspective of the world. After all we are the perfect versions of ourselves.
If only we could come to understand pain isn’t who we are, but a result of distorted thinking, which is blocking our light from shining through.
If only we could see we are connected and interconnected with everyone and everything and that each interaction has a knock on effect on everything else and trying to unpick the smallest thing would change so many more things, maybe everything.
We would understand how amazing we are and how much we can and do make a difference to the world we share and are an integral part of, even when sometimes it doesn’t seem that way.
Imagine suddenly coming to the realisation that you play every role of every actor that has ever lived and is living. How would that change the way you perceive and treat other people? The Egg by Andy Weir, puts you in that very situation allowing a shift in perspective, to a more compassionate and empathetic point of view when dealing with others.
The Egg
You have died.
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident, nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two
children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you but to no avail. Your body was so
utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What.. What happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a.. a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup.” I said.
“I.. I died?”
“Yup, but don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies.” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the
afterlife?”
“More or less.” I said.
“Are you God?” You asked.
“Yup.” I replied. “I am God.”
“My kids.. my wife,” You said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be alright?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “..you just died and your main concern is your family. That’s good stuff
right there.”
You looked at me with fascination.
To you I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure,
maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry.” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t
have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but be secretly relieved. To be fair,
your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” You said. “.. so what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither.” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” You said. “.. So the Hindus were right.”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “.. walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void.
“Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “.. It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my
experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all past lives. You just don’t
remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders.
“Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only
contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or
cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the
experiences it had.”
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your
immense consciousness. If we hung out here for a long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But
there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant
girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your Universe. Things are different where I
come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained. “.. I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know
you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “.. but wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have
interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s
happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You are asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” You persisted.
I looked you in the eye.
“The meaning of life, the reason I made this Whole Universe, is for YOU to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just YOU. I made this Whole Universe for YOU. With each new life YOU grow and mature and become a
larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “.. in This Universe, there’s just YOU and ME.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on Earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of YOU.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you are the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “.. You were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve
done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be,
experienced by YOU.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, YOU will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my
child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you
will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the Whole Universe,” You said, “.. it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
By: Andy Weir
A great story, I’m sure you’ll agree.
I find it helps me look at other people in a completely different light, and allows me to examine my own attitude and approach to others. If we can be more compassionate and empathetic towards other people, we can connect in a more meaningful way.
Judging and labelling others, and we all do it to some degree, stops any meaningful connection by putting up prejudiced barriers. As a result we act differently in different social situations, we become actors, role playing. Thus connections are rarely deeper than the surface level of those roles.
We mistakenly believe the roles played by others, are a true representation of them, when in reality people are much more complex.
People’s attitudes and behaviours are much more influenced by their environment and situations, than we give credit for. We should be less judgemental, because we know very little about the person underneath the roles they play. Only by walking in their shoes, can you get close to possibly knowing how they feel and why they behave as they do.
“Life gives you what you take from it.” – M. Turner
People give meaning to events, circumstances and experiences largely based on social conditioning, learned from your interactions with the world: media, parents and family, neighbours, school then later, work colleagues.
In the same way you learn cultural values, you learn what is the right way to think and behaviour in your environment, so that you fit in. This is bred into us as young children, when our brains are like sponges, before we can form our own balanced opinions.
It is true however that some people have a compulsion not to conform in such a way, and are often marginalised and find themselves on the fringe of society. These non-conformers follow their nature more closely because it doesn’t fit so well with social norms. They wrestle with this situation, often joining subcultures that better share their preferred beliefs and values. They reject the larger society rules but yearn to feel part of something, but which is more agreeable to them. These people may be more mature, questioning, inquisitive at an earlier age. They are free-thinkers by nature. We would all do well to question our own beliefs and values to ensure they make sense to us, and aren’t getting in our way.
Obstructive beliefs include things like like:
“Life, society is against people like me, I just can’t……”
“Life is meant to be hard, not enjoyed.” (so not true)
“People are trying to rip you off all the time, nobody can be trusted.”
“I’m not good or clever or experienced enough…” (Who says?)
“People like me can’t……” (who says?)
“Other people in this space have more talent, desire, determination, I can’t compete with them….”.
Well, while it might be true that others currently possess more talent, it’s really down to you, if you want something badly enough, then you will find the determination and desire to throw yourself into it and through purposeful practice, get better at it. If you don’t have the desire, or determination, do something that you truly love instead and get really good at that.
When something happens to us, we give it meaning based on our beliefs and values, and the story we tell ourselves about it. Changing the story, changes the meaning.
So while you can, through goal setting and planning, move your life in a certain direction, life will happen to you, good and bad, there is little you can predict for your future, but you can make every set-back a learning experience, every feeling of negativity a chance for spiritual practice.
There are always positives that can be taken from, or that come out of, any negative, if you make it so. Check out this Zen parable for some inspiration.
Life really does give us what we choose to take from it, if you believe it to be so.
My mother was rubbish at finances, she had no business sense whatsoever, she couldn’t understand spreadsheets, profit and loss accounts, or marketing principles, she couldn’t even work a mobile phone, let alone a computer. I don’t think I ever saw her read a book during the 46 years I knew her. She didn’t obsess about personal development, or being a better person, none of that stuff.
But she was pure of heart, she was always there for anyone without judgement. She was an extraordinary person, probably the most extraordinary person I’ve ever known. She listened, loved, and was deeply loved by those around her. She is sadly missed by all who knew her. The world is not the place it once was, when she was in it. The definition of success that I learned from her comes from the ability of positively answering these questions at the end of your life, when you look back at how you lived it.
DID I LIVE?
DID I LOVE?
DID I MATTER?
If you can answer yes to these questions you have been incredibly successful x
Have you ever wondered why quotation graphics are so popular on social media channels? Maybe it’s because they allow us to shift our perspective to some degree. To look at an issue or subject from a different viewpoint. When we see a quote that says something like:
“People aren’t against you, they are for themselves”
It brings a different dimension to our thinking. We maybe get a glimpse of a different way of perceiving. I personally don’t think that’s a bad thing. We should continually question our assumptions, beliefs and values. After all where do they originate? Are they our thoughts or those of other people, that have influenced us in some way?
Our thoughts largely come from the world around us, our experiences shape them. We use our experiences to construct a framework of understanding, so that we feel safe to navigate through life. We emotionally buy into the concepts we are drawn to, and look for confirmation our view is accurate, often ignoring counter arguments.
Get Results: success is getting what you want, happiness is wanting what you get
Over to Tony Robbins
I recently watched a couple of Tony Robbins interventions, in which he was attempting to help people in psychological pain. Much of this approach involved psychologically re-framing the painful situation, into a more empowering one.
For instance there was a mother and daughter, who deeply loved one another, but greatly clashed in many of their day to day interactions. The mother had lost another daughter, some years before. That daughter had been the perfect daughter from the mother’s point of view, someone she got along with very easily, they just seemed to be perfect company for one another.
The mother, found the character of the second daughter to be more problematic, describing her as highly strung, and a control freak, basically finding her difficult to be around, partly because of the mothers own shortcomings.
The mother admitted she was much at fault for their problems, described herself as being badly organised, often late for appointments, which completely drove the second daughter crazy with rage.
So although the two loved one another, both found it difficult to spend time with each other, and rubbed each other up the wrong way. Tony uncovered through questioning the two ladies, that the second daughter had felt rejected by the mother because she wasn’t the model daughter her sister had been. She felt guilty she was the way she was, and hated herself for the fact she loved her mother so much and didn’t feel she could live up to her sisters standards, and that her mother didn’t love her back in the same way as she had her sister.
Get Results: if you can’t change your circumstances, change your perspective
The mother missed the easy going daughter, and felt some regret that the second daughter wasn’t easier to get on with. Tony explained that as life doesn’t happen to us but rather for us, and the second daughter was in fact the very thing the mother needed in her life, and that she should appreciate her second daughter for what she could learn from her to be a better person. That intervention drastically re-framed the relationship in both mother and daughters minds, and they gained a great appreciation for one another after the intervention. The mother realised her daughters anger actually came from a place of deep love. The daughter realised her mother was mainly angry about her own shortcomings, and inability to match the daughters strict standards.
This is a great example of shifting perspective. Stop fixating on the negatives and start focusing on the positives.
Getting outside help
I think sometimes we need the intervention of a third party to help us see through difficult emotions and give us permission to believe in a positive re-framing of a situation. We don’t always believe in something until we hear it from someone else that maybe isn’t directly part of that situation. Maybe this is why many find comfort visiting counsellors or therapists.
Being your own third party
I sometimes like to think about how I would advise someone else going through something I am having difficulty with, it seems to help me change perspective and see it as a non-involved party. Most of us are good at giving advice to others, but struggle when we find ourselves directly involved. Emotions are usually the reason why this is the case.
Give yourself some space to take a more objective view, instead of letting the emotions rule your thoughts.
For more about motivational influences, check out our Motivation guide.
If you would like to read more articles focused on SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE, click here.
Get Results: shift in perspective, Effort never diesGet Results: shift in perspective, First attempt in learningGet Results: shift in perspective, next opportunity
Change Perspective Quotes
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” – Dr Wayne Dyer
“Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure.”
“You have the capacity to change your life all with a simple shift in perspective.” – Demi Lovato
It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.”
“Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” – Seth Godin
“You give meaning to your experiences, change the meaning and you change the experience.”
“Change your thinking change your life.”
“Whether a glass is half full or is half empty is nothing to do with the glass or its contents, but rather the story you choose to tell yourself about it. Changing the story changes your perspective.”
“People come into your life as either a blessing or a lesson.”
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca
“Everything we hear is an opinion not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective not the truth.”
“People rely on stories they believe about themselves. You can change your story.”
“Life is a test, tests show what you’re made of, if you let it defeat you, then it will, if you want it to teach you, it will.” – getresults.org.uk
“The things you really need are few and easy to come by: but the things you can imagine you need are infinite and you will never be satisfied.” – Epicurus
“This too will pass” is an old sufi story, that teaches us not to form strong emotional attachments to “form” (thoughts, ideas, mental positions, possessions, even people) because all forms are transient, and change is an inevitable part of life. Thing break, ideas change, people move in and out of our lives.
Situations
If we’re in a good place, we want to stay there as long as possible, if we’re in a bad place we want to escape it as soon as possible. The truth is, nothing will stay the same, good or bad. We should enjoy the good times while they are there to be enjoyed, and should take strength from the fact that the bad times will not endure forever.
This isn’t to say we should sit back and do nothing, if we find ourselves struggling or in a unhappy place, we should do what we can to escape, and in doing the “right things” consistently, we’ll move away from the feeling of being trapped or stuck.
False sense of self
So attachments are formed when you invest a sense of self in them. You use “my”, “mine”, “our”, when you talk about them. They become an extension of you. When they are threatened, damaged, stolen, you feel pain. If your attachment is particularly strong, you become really upset.
Attachments to people
With regards to strong attachments to people, I’m not saying you can’t get close to people for fear of losing them, not at all, love is what makes life so joyful, but understand they are not an extension of you. They are not yours, like a possession, “my wife”, “my kids”. This identification is what lies behind great pain. They don’t belong to you, they are not yours to possess, they are their own being.
Enjoy, share, love, just don’t make them an extension of you, a false sense of self.
This great little Zen parable teaches us to avoid “resistance”, and to go with the flow of life, good or bad.
Resistance to “what is…” only brings additional pain and suffering, if we are able to be in complete acceptance of the reality of what is happening to us, when it’s happening, then sadness, or anger that comes from feeling injustice, “why me” goes away.
I love “Maybe” the Zen parable, which teaches us not to be so quick to label and judge anything that happens to us as either good or bad. Without knowing what is still to come we have no way of really knowing the reality of the situation.
If we miss one door opening, who is to say another, even better one isn’t awaiting us, further down the road, which means the missed opportunity turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
When we label and judge something, an event or situation, we base that opinion on our expectations or preferences, and in doing so, we are playing into what is commonly known as the “pain gap”.
The pain gap is the difference between our expectations/ preferences and our reality as we perceive it, regarding a situation or event. If there is an imbalance between the two, we feel a negative emotion.
For our well-being, we should avoid imposing preconceived expectations or preferences onto situations. We should instead be prepared to ride the waves of life, and be fully accepting of what comes our way. Stop resisting “what is” and accept it for what it is, after all it’s here and resisting it, by wishing it wasn’t so, really doesn’t make it go away.
Sure, aim to get out of undesirable circumstances and situations, but face what life is giving us in the moment, accept it fully, face it, feel it and then move forwards positively to get out of it.
In this TED video, Rory Sutherland discusses how perspective is much more important to how we live our lives than we realise. How the way we frame things really matters to the quality of life we lead.
Our circumstances aren’t necessarily a predictor of our happiness, what is much more important is how we look at things and how we feel they relate to us.
He uses a good example of pensioners and the unemployed youth being in a similar situation with too much time on their hands and not enough money in their pockets, yet pensioners are seen as being much happier then their young counterparts. This may be due to the fact that pensioners choose to be in their situation, where the youth have had no option, they have had it thrust upon them and this sense of not being in control, is what makes the two groups feel very differently.
He goes on to name numerous examples of how perspective is used and mis-used.
I like the way Rory recommends using psychological perspective within economic policy decision making and cites the example of governments spending billions of pounds on reducing the journey time on the Euro-star from Paris to London by 40 minutes when simply adding free WiFi to the trains at a fraction of the cost, would have satisfied commuters by allowing the journey time to be more productive and enjoyable.
Another great example he uses is how Korea added countdown timers to red traffic lights reducing the number of accidents and occurrences of road rage and driver frustration and how China not really understanding the principle behind it, added countdown timers to green lights which increased accidents due to drivers speeding up to beat the red light.
Re-framing our perspective and changing our impressions can have a big effect on how we feel and what we do. Things are not what they are, they are what we think they are.
Check out my article on Hugh Ranks model of Persuasion which talks about how marketers use framing to convince you to buy things from them. After all marketing is nothing more than managing perceptions and these shape our perspective.
