Tag: take responsibility

What’s the story of your life to this point?

What’s the story going to be from this point onward?

The future doesn’t have to reflect the past unless you want it to.

The first chapter of your life might have been full of strife and struggle; the next can be about how you overcome such adversity, following the hero’s journey.

You get to write your own story. It could be one with many twists and turns, ups and downs. A three vs. zero defeat in the first half of a football match, sets up the opportunity for an amazing comeback in the second half.

You get to write the script from now on, It’s your right as well as your responsibility. Okay there’s going to be unexpected occurrences that come from left field, but you choose how you deal with them.

Arm yourself with the right tools:  good reasoning capabilities, critical thinking, emotional control, and the desire to listen to your conscience for guidance.

Aim for “love” and “truth” for yourself and others. Armed with these two, you cannot be defeated. No amount of hate or lies is ever enough to defeat you, an apparent defeat may appear to contradict, but conscience will always point out the right path.

Do you think you can twist reality, because that is what you’re trying to do with lies. You certainly can not. Your lie will not go unnoticed, your future ideal self is always judging your actions and your conscience is pricking you if you’re not on track to live up to you ideals.

Are you living up to your ideals? Your lies twist your perceptions of reality, they don’t twist actual reality. Overtime you lose trust in yourself, and only truth can straighten things out again.

Social change

We seem to be in a more polarised world than ever before, and tribalism appears to have been getting more popular over the last few years in the Western world.

We humans are social animals who function in a social world where competition and cooperation is a necessary component of a well-functioning society.

We all have to agree the rules of the social game, and then cooperate in playing a functioning role within that game, otherwise the fabric of society falls away, and nobody in their right mind wants that to happen, because anarchy and chaos replaces order and civility.

Our ancestors lived in smaller, more isolated communities and would mainly connect to other people in their shared geographical space, looking out for their neighbours.

But as populations have exploded, and mobility has increased, those local communities have largely been swept away and we’re now part of a more fluid, globalised world thanks to technological advances. It’s much easier to connect with other people through shared interests, ideas, beliefs and values. We may be connected with people from the other side of the world, yet not know who our neighbours are.

Tribalism and increased sense of self

There is a growing number of people in the population who take their identity from their affiliations; they see themselves as Labour or Tory, Democrats or Republicans, or part of a wider movement with a shared purpose, often to remove inequality from a corrupt social system. Other people are no longer seen as unique personalities with individual traits, thoughts, and values, they are either seen as “one of us” or “against us”. Thinking in this way eases cognitive burden but is a gross oversimplification of reality.

It’s important to understand the mechanics that drive tribalism.

At an individual level part of us likes to bring people, possessions, ideas and conceptual positions into what is best described as our sense of self (SOS). That part of us, often referred to as the Ego likes to think the more we’re connected to, and the more we possess, the more we elevate our self-worth. If we share interests or circumstances with others, and we like them, we will probably connect with them.

On the other hand, if we don’t connect with someone and take a dislike to them, we tend to separate from them by psychologically distancing from them. We also do this to increase our sense of self. If we take a critical view of another person, we’re immediately implying we’re superior to them.

So we lower the others (the other side) to inflate our own sense-of-self, or we inflate our sense-of-self through attachment and affiliation, and this lifts us above others (the other side).

This results in the formation of in-groups and out-groups.

So at an Ego level we’re trying to increase our sense of self by both connecting to and separating from other people.

As social animals we’d generally rather get on with others than not, but that’s just not possible with so many different personalities in play.

We need social connections because it protects us from what would otherwise be a chaotic and anarchical world. By cooperating in a competitive environment, we function without fear of being harmed or killed (most of the time). This psychologically frees us up to strive for personal growth. We can strive to climb social hierarchies in a mutually beneficial way as long as everyone else agrees to cooperate. Even though there are other people with vastly differing views and opinions, they can still participate in the same game, as long as they agree to play by the same rules. We can all agree to disagree with some things, but still cooperate in the overarching social game.

Collectivism can also make us feel more courageous. Psychologically making us less culpable if things go wrong, because the group shares the risks and responsibilities. It feels safer when we’re working with others in pursuit of a shared goal, as someone else can step up in situations where we feel less confident.

Collectives often result in people pointing fingers of blame at others, usually “the other side”, or rely on others within the group to come up with solutions. There are invariably those within the group who will take on leadership roles, and the rest follow in support.

A responsible individual

Rather than having a collectivist mindset, we should function predominantly on an individual level.

You should take personal responsibility for your actions and outcomes. Stop relying on other people, including other in-group members, and stand up and take action for yourself. Sure it’s harder to do, it feels scary at first, but it’s the right thing to do, because it forces you to stand up to your own challenges, and this arms you with the tools and skills to be an individual with real personal power.

Stop blaming others for your situation or complaining how others have caused you this problem and that problem. Blaming and complaining only disempowers you, it gives you an excuse not to take action for yourself. Passing blame passes power. Only when you take full responsibility for your own situation, are you able to empower yourself to make things better. What’s more, you should first put your own house in order before concerning yourself with wider societal issues.

We must also stop focusing attention on our differences with other people and start looking for our shared humanity. We can enrich our lives through genuine empathy and compassion for people who come from different backgrounds, cultures, and life experiences.

We should try to learn from each other’s unique experiences, by being curious, rather than closed-minded. After all, we are naturally exploratory creatures, and curiosity is part of what makes us human.

Open communication through dialogue, we all have stories to tell about our experiences, sharing these will help bring us together. It’s not just about telling your story, listen to other people’s stories, so you can learn something new from them.

Find out more about taking responsibility here.

If you’ve spent any time on social media , you’ll know  that it’s full of complainers and blamers. People whinging about this and that, and boy have they had stuff to whinge about over the last few years.

There’s been Brexit here in the UK, Trump’s rise to power in the US to name just two biggies that spring to mind.

There’s also complaints about local stuff, like congestion, poorly planned urban development, anti-social behaviour, lack of courtesy on the roads, traveling communities disrespecting local areas.

Some complain they are getting the thin end of the wedge with student loans, job prospects, housing market conditions, I could go on and on.

While I have sympathy for those that find themselves on the receiving end of such situations, I too have been impacted by some of these things, complaining, and blaming doesn’t help in finding a solution, other than acting to alert those willing to take action, that a unsatisfactory situation does indeed exist. I guess that’s what complaining is designed to do, force others to take action on your behalf, whether that be local councils, politicians or the community itself.

I don’t suppose complaining is going away anytime soon, but for those that would like to take a more empowering position, read on…

Get on the right side of how things work, as Jim Rohn is famously quoted in saying. I would add that it’s important  to realise that there are winners and losers in every situation. You can be a victim or a victor. Sure sometimes things blindside us, we just didn’t see them coming, but we do have a choice in how we deal with them.

Be a predator of chance rather than a victim of circumstance, and look for the opportunities that come about continually because of the fact things are constantly changing.

It’s natural to fear change, because it brings with it uncertainty and risk. We, as a species have evolved to favor the tried and tested approach to ensure our own survival, and this is hard to shake off.

However with a shift in perspective, we are able to see that there are also many opportunities that come from change. When you choose to focus on opportunities rather than fear, you see things you wouldn’t otherwise see.

Let me give you an example, there are people still moaning about Brexit over a year after the decision has been made, they are still fighting an old fight, instead of focusing on making the best of it.

I  still see people going on about the disaster that will befall us when sterling comes crashing down around our ears, on exited the EU.

I say if you’re so sure of a future outcome take advantage of it instead of complaining.

For example – If the pound is going to plummet, because of Brexit, sell as much money as you can get hold of and buy a competing currency, like the Euro, you’ll make a fortune if you’re right. That’s a case of going from victim to victor in one foul swoop.

Any fool can moan and complain, but it takes someone with a bit of nowse to look for opportunities instead of being fearful of what could go wrong. If you’re certain of a future outcome, you’d be crazy if you didn’t move to take advantage of it.

But if you aren’t as sure as you make out on social media, give it a rest pretending you are. It’s not helpful, it doesn’t provide solutions to the situation as it is today.

For more about  taking responsibility click here.

When it comes to moving closer to goals, by actually taking action, many people can’t even seem to get started. They come up with lots of excuses why they shouldn’t act. For example if you have a goal of becoming a successful business owner, or entrepreneur, you might say to yourself via your inner dialogue…

Justifications for maintaining the current status quo

• It’s less risky to just keep doing what I am currently doing (not taking action)
• I’m too busy with my current work and family schedule, I don’t really have the time to devote to pursue my goal(s). Working evenings will cut into my time with family an friends.

Possible negative consequences of taking action

• It will take time, skills that I may not have
• I could fail (so won’t take the risk)
• I want to put myself in a situation where I’m being judged by others
• People might think I’m fake, a fraud
• I don’t know or might not know how to do it (what needs doing)
• My idea isn’t good enough, or might not be good enough
• I could waste lots of time, effort, money investing in something that just doesn’t work out, so why even bother
• Success will mean working all hours and will have no time for family
• I’m scared of pushing myself and doing things outside my comfort zone, because it’s uncomfortable
• I don’t like asking people for help, and I might have to do
• I don’t like asking people to buy from me, I just can’t sell
• I might lose all my money
• I might get ripped off by scam artist who takes advantage of my naivety
• Talking professionally to people (in case they think I’m a fake)
• I might be promising something I can’t deliver
• I might ruining my reputation, when it’s very important to me
• I don’t like giving presentations, pitching, speaking in front of customers, audience and might find I have to at some point
• I don’t like the idea of putting myself out there and feeling vulnerable
• I don’t like to rely /depend on other people, in case I get let down

If you’re trying to lose weight or get fit you might say to yourself…

Justifications for maintaining the current status quo

• I love eating tasty fatty foods – they taste so good. I always have good intentions but when I’m hungry, I just give in
• I want to watch TV rather than going out and exercising in the cold/at the gym

Possible negative consequences of taking action

• Healthy food doesn’t taste as good as fatty food
• Exercise is too hard, I don’t enjoy it, and can’t deal with the discomfort and pain

Issues with self esteem or even some degree of self loathing, can sometimes result in people finding comfort in binge eating, which further fuels self loathing and lowers self esteem. In such circumstances you should try to deal with the underlying root issues, as the eating is a manifestation of these, rather than the root cause.

Why you come up with excuses

This list of excuses, is your mind trying to rationalise the decision not to take action. On one hand you feel you should be doing something in pursuit of your goals, after all everyone says you should have goals, don’t they? On the other hand part of you fears taking the risk.

When you contemplate moving from your comfort zone, your current situation, and the routines and habits that you have, and maybe have had for some time, to something that feels new, you will naturally feel some level of fear.

You are hardwired, through evolution, to resist putting yourself in dangerous situations, and change is perceived as being potentially bad. Change equals uncertainty and uncertainty could result in risk and possible danger. Risk and danger is considered bad because your sense of self (who you see yourself to be) could be devalued in some way, and your survival instincts will do its level best to ensure this doesn’t happen.

All action is driven by the need to avoid pain and being destroyed, and all your actions are built on this one need. You continually strive for more, because being more means you are further away from being nothing. The more you have, the more you are. So you’re not a freak because you’re not taking action, you’re trapped by your fear of change, uncertainty, risk, danger, failure, you might even be fearful of success, or at least the consequences of success (no time to spend with friends and family, responsibility etc).

Moving beyond fear

So now we know why we aren’t taking action, we can move on to working out a strategy for overcome these limiting thoughts and beliefs.

The first thing to consider is how real these perceived dangers are and how seriously are they likely to impact you, should they materialise.

Without knowing your personal situation in more detail, it is difficult to give a specific answer, but general fears can be looked upon in the following ways:

Being judged by others

With regards to being judged by others, if you had more self confidence or self esteem, other peoples’ opinions would matter much less to you. Sure, we all like to be liked, but being dependant on other peoples’ opinions, is not healthy. You will tend to make up stories about how and why this and that person doesn’t like you, which is usually nothing more than a fictional story of your own invention and more about your own judgements of yourself, rather than theirs.

If another person doesn’t like you, and you know this for sure, because they have actually told you so, and for XYZ reasons then at least you know, rather than suspect. You can either try to adjust your behaviour, if you agree that it is unacceptable, or ignore their views, if you disagree. After all they might be accusing you of behaving unacceptably when they are the ones with the insecurities and esteem issues. Remember they are being driven by the same insecurities and fears that you are, and putting yourself in their shoes through empathy, allows you to realise this. They might be lashing out because of their own pain, rather than it being you.

I believe if you are truly joyous and genuinely happy and aligned inside, you have no reason to attack or belittle another person. Anger, frustration, fear and all negative emotions come from insecurities and pain within you, which is already there, but just being aroused by the situation you’re reacting to. Check out my wellbeing guide for more information, particularly the equation of emotion part which details how negative emotions are created.

Not good enough

If you believe you’re not good enough or not up-to-the-job. Try to understand where these thoughts are coming from. Again your self-preservation instincts will try to protect you from risky situations, but you can move beyond this by identifying your weaknesses and educating yourself into mastering them.

Low self esteem and lack of belief in yourself can be embedded deep into your psyche from early childhood, when you were very impressionable and filtered your experiences less. If your environment at an early age was not supportive, maybe you were continually told you were not good enough, or were not given enough love from one or more of your parents, whom you craved love from. Or you were discouraged to take risks or do things outside the norm, being told not to do something “for your own safety”, or told to fit in and not stand out, these fears and insecurities might still be lingering in the background of your mind, influencing your present decision making and possibly sabotaging your goals. None of these things can be considered as “truths”, they were opinions and actions from people who themselves were in some degree of pain, and may well have been just passing on their own insecurities and fears through their actions and words.

You can be good enough if you’re willing to make the effort and put in the work. If you don’t want to make the effort then you’re probably not going to get far, for that reason. Check out my work ethic article for more.

Now a caveat. Talent has a part to play in success, particularly when you’re competing with others to get to the top. You should look to play to your strengths, and you will have strengths as well as weaknesses. We all have weaknesses so don’t feel bad about them. I would love to be a singer, unfortunately I can’t hold a tune, I’m terrible, really. I could probably improve with training and purposeful practice, but I would never be able to go beyond my physical limitations. I might, with lots of practice, get good enough to perform at a certain level but I would never be at the top of the tree. Such limitations are true of some activities, singing, I would say is one, some kinds of sports that rely on certain physical characteristics and prowess, maybe another. But there are many more things that don’t have such limitations, you can practice and practice and become better, and be as good as you want to be.  Often hard work trumps talent, when talent doesn’t work. Check out my article on self awareness, because this is key to identifying your strengths and weaknesses.

Fearing success

You might have an inner conflict of wanting to be successful, while at the same time fearing the consequences of success, like having no time for friends and family or relying on other people or being ripped off, or having to shoulder responsibility for yourself and others.

The best thing to do is examine these conflicts and resolve them. If you don’t want to work all hours and miss time with family and friends, then find a lifestyle business that doesn’t depend on your presence so much. Many large businesses have managers operating the business on behalf of the owners, so scale could work in your favour after the initial building phase. Some businesses, such as online businesses can be worked on around family time, or be outsourced/delegated to someone else. If you first, identify the conflict and confront it, you can then work out a solution to move beyond it. If you can’t resolve it, maybe you should drop that particular goal and find a different one that best suits who you are. It’s really no good trying to put a square brick into a round hole (check out my article on self awareness).

Conflicting wants

Wanting one thing (your goal), but also wanting something that is counter-productive to that goal, is obviously problematic. For example if you want to lose weight, be lean, get fit, but can’t resist eating fatty foods such as chocs, snacks, sweets, burgers and the like, you have a conflict of wants. You might have good intentions, but when the temptation is there, for example having chocs in the cupboard, you find it almost impossible to resist, without having a huge amount of self control and willpower.

Another example: If you want to get an assignment done, but can’t resist watching your favourite sports team playing, or can’t face pulling yourself away from the TV, then you have a a conflict of wants.

One solution is to avoid putting yourself in situations that provide temptations or distractions. If you’ve no chocolates in the cupboard, you can’t eat them. If there’s no TV, you can’t watch it. It all comes down to deciding your priorities.

Personally I can work on my laptop, while sat in front of the TV and remain 100% focused on what I’m doing. This means I don’t feel I’m having to lock myself away or miss out on anything. It encourages me to work more frequently and intensely, and really, the TV, even with the sound on low, doesn’t distract me. I find I’m more productive working that way. Find what works best for you.

Giving yourself a reason to take action

Life is all about making choices. You will take the action that drives you most. You will take the action that NEEDS to be done or else…., or that you really WANT to do. Check out my article about getting into a WANT or NEED state of motivation.

Give yourself a compelling reason to take action and you’re more likely to take it. Motivation has many elements, check out my motivational guide here.